Antidote: Secondhand Heart

My name is Fool and I have been involved with a married man for five years. It started when he was single and I young. At the time he was not married. He was seeing someone oversees he never mentioned to me. We were part of a religious community and he held a high positioned in it. I was very attracted to his charisma. So many women wanted his attention and he will give them just enough to keep the admiration going, but no more that could send the wrong signal. It was known he was saving himself for marriage. I suppose as a young woman that was admirable. One day at an event I felt courages and flirty and I complimented his look. He picked up on the vibe and asked if I was flirting with him and I admitted I was. That was the beginning of my demise. Fast forward to present moment, one fiancé, turned wife, now mother of two. She holds his heart , while I get secondhand of everything else. She gets Holidays and Birthday and weekends. I get hidden calls on a holiday or weekend. She gets his nights, dreams and mornings. I get a fantasy of what it would be like to be his muse for more than a night. I have tried many times to leave but the fool in me lies. If I hide he'd always find me. How do I cut a chord when I keep hiding the scissors?

Hey Fool,

If you were sequestered and tied up, in fear for your life. Would you not try to set yourself free with any sharp object? The truth is that survival makes us do the impossible with what we got. You are not fearing death. You my friend fear living. It has been sometime since you last experienced true love. The kind one has to work for. The unknown that may leave you heartbroken. Living for you, would mean having to start from the very beginning. Put yourself out there. Expose your vulnerabilities to others. This in turn, will help you stop fearing the worst. What if you share too much with the wrong person? What if you never feel this chemistry again? What if you never meet a man that can meet all my requirements.

Babe, let's be real. You are asking for very little. This man of yours, let's call him 'Holy Water'. If Holy Water can get away with giving you a total of two weeks worth of attention in a year. Most men out here can give you way more.

I won't minimize your feelings or diagnose your mental or emotional state. I'm not a psychologist or therapist and will not address any form of trauma you may or may not have. The realness of my response is simple. There is no "you deserve better" speech. Maybe you don't.

Somehow you have convinced yourself that living is harder than hiding. That being wanted is rare and that love is desire. This man will never love you. He can't love the woman he has a family with much less the one easiest to leave. Too harsh? I'm sorry. Think about it this way. What if you were dying. Would you want to spend your final days pining for someone who does not risk comfort for you? No you wouldn't. Instead you regret all the minutes wasted hoping he see your worth and devotion and finally leave her.

Babe, its such a fucking cliche but life is too short to live it only experiencing second hands. You are first in your life. You are first quality. First to be called with good news. First to experience dates, nights, holidays, birthdays, amazing sex, making love, feeling loved, make up sex, honesty, truth, and all the beautiful and fucked up shit that comes with love and its travesties.

Antidote:

The weekend leading up to the Sunday night you break it off, rent a spot you can escape to. It can be one with amazing scenery or in the city where the busyness of the streets and the people ignite your mind and thoughts. You will take this time to mourn.

• Cry as much as your heart needs. Crying will be your potion and music the cure to breaking the spell.

• Write every emotion/sentiment you feel. Even if 'fuck' is all that comes out. Write it till your fingers and hands have blisters.

• Write Holy Water a letter. In it, tell him how much you think you love him and how much you know you hate him. You hate him because he made a mess of you. And yes, you allowed him to. I need you to list all the times he hurt you. I know this is a difficult task but weep if you must. All of your anger must be released.

  On the last day before checkout, you will write the final text. Yes you will say goodbye. Not because he deserves it, but lack of closure will only heightened his search for answers. Here is the hard part. Before you send the message you will begin, project 'Neuralyzer'. Time to erase all memories. You will review all social media, emails, texts and delete every single one of his prints and block him from all contact avenues. When you finish that task you will send the final text.

  As soon as you confirm it was delivered you will block and delete his number. If you know you are not strong enough you will change your number. I know, I know, this is a big ask. Believe me when I tell you. Just blocking him will not work if you know you are not strong enough to unblock him. You will tell yourself that you can do it just by blocking him.

......believe me when I say. You won't be strong enough. I know, because I wasn't.