Antidote: Tainted Bloodline

My name is Color 4B0000. I admired my mom and sister like my life depended on it as a teen. They were my heroes. My sister and I had a challenging upbringing. It be easy to blame our mom for it, but generational trauma is the strongest of poison. Mom was both parents to us. My father checked out early in my life. With most of the financial responsibility and a hopeful heart longing for the man she loved, her ignorance lead her life. She is a complex human, but a fighter. However, the pedestal I once adorned for her, in time became rusted and deteriorated. The cracks, a reminder her faults manifested into the most painful scars and terrible personal lessons for me.

She worked long hours to keep us afloat. Often giving up on her own medical care for lack of money and grounded faith that her God could fix it all. I remember being in my twenties wanting to fix her but her bad habits were resilient weeds growing through the cracks of her hard concrete exterior. Affectionate love was not given to her as a child. This generational flaw became a burden for my sister and I. Mother would push us away when wanting to hug or kiss her. "Don't hug or kiss me, get good grades and behave.", she'd say while pushing us away. My sister and I grew up expressing and requesting the same in our relationships. Instead, I grew bitter and mad. I had to fight for what I wanted. Work hard only to help her with bills. I'd settle for men who could not give me the love and affection I yearend for, but rather preferred unavailability. This would validate I was right in:

• My dads abandonment made me damaged goods.

• No one truly loves. Love is a temporary feeling.

• I should not fear being abandoned because I already knew I would not get chosen.

  
  

In the midst of a struggle, one seeks in others understanding. After all, misery loves company. My older sister was that person for me. Tougher but loving. She was giving. Cared for me throughout high school, as best she could and knew how to. Money was scarce. Mother could no longer afford rent. Move after move we ended up in many 6 month, one bedroom leases. It was a hole so deep requiring shovels we couldn't afford. My sister dropped out of school to work and help us survive. It was inspiring to experience. Through it all, we were thick as thieves and the blood running through my veins was red. It is true blood is thicker than water. Yet water nourishes the body and keep is hydrated. Blood terms when your body expires.

Years later, arguments drenched with hurtful words that remained carved in memory, yelling that drowned logical conversations and love never nourished. I no longer have a relationship with either of them. Though I must admit, I miss my sister most. Through therapy I walk through my pain, to not only relive it but also attempt to understand hers. The empathy that runs through my system is volatile. Grounded when in thought, with a relentless need to escape when memory reclaims it. We had a mother full of resentment, lack of willingness to live, exhaustion, and disappointment. I try to move on, acknowledge a healthy relationship takes two. My efforts will be futile up to the moment she begins to dismantle her armor. I won't lie. I'm hurt. Resentment comes and goes. So I sit and wonder, write and ignore my own advice.

Do I try one last time or do I let it go? Do I let her go? My blood, once bright red, now runs through my veins as Color 4B0000, dead blood.

Hey Color 4B0000,

I see you are familiar with color pallets. Are you as familiar with the colors of the rainbow? The celestial and natures symbol of joy, harmony and fulfillment. My point? It is hard to not focus on the negative of lived events. The hurt, pain, disappointment weighs heavier than any other emotion. That is a natural response, I get it. Yet, growth and healing comes to the surface when we see pass the hurt. You have my empathy. It must be difficult to wish for a relationship with both your idols with no success or reciprocity.

Lets break this down. You mentioned a realization of no longer holding your mother in such regard. That tells me there is a disappointing moment in your relationship. Now, think about that moment. How much did it hurt you? Will you ever be able to forgive her? Have you forgiven her? If you were to see her now, what would you like an apology for? If she gave it to you, would it alleviate the hurt you have been carrying?

Measure the relationship in it's entirety. Was it a fulfilling one? Did the good outweigh the bad? Or did your mom's bad decisions subconsciously keep you at a distance? As the saying goes blood is thicker than water. You mentioned that water hydrates, eluding blood has no significant purpose to the body. Yet it is what keeps us alive and cleanses our system. Having said that. Does it mean we hold on to all relationships? Not necessarily.

I will help you answer your questions. I can't tell you what to do. A response is not as simple as cutting the chord and moving on accepting your longing for love may never rest. You need to understand your moms trauma and decide if you forgive and let it go. Work on a relationship that is equally giving and taking. Or wait for her to come to an understanding she is also flawed and you deserve an apology. Knowing very well that may never come. You need to be at peace with your decision.

Do the same exercise with your sister. Are these relationships worth fighting for? At a minimum putting the heart to rest. Please do not take the following as me blaming you for the current situation. Think back at situations, arguments, or just hurtful things you said to them. For which they may also need an apology from you. If you decide to not try one last time. Write down what you are sorry for and look for closure in that, maybe when they are ready you can work on fortifying those familiar bonds.

I may have left you with more questions than answers. And for all I know you may leave reading my response thinking, "what does this woman know about family trauma?". I'm only familiar with my own.

Best of Luck,

LovesTravesty