Midnight Muse

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He said he should have married me instead.

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He was ten years my senior and the youth in me sought validation. His blond hair danced with his charm and his blue eyes drowned my dreams in them. An angel personified. Being a part of a religious group and the high regard he held, kept me in a dream state, wondering what it would feel like to have a man check off all the items on my list. My mother and her constant reminder he was a holy man, the highlighter to the delusional journal entry-dreams, depicting a world we are together. One where I perfectly fit the role created for me. A devoted mother and wife to a man of god. Perfectly fulfilling my purpose.

One Friday evening the night my life and his changed. Eventually I would become a shameful disappointment and he a family man. Two worlds intertwined in thought and occasional indiscretions. I wont completely blame him for all the mistakes along the way. There is a helpless feeling in my gut reminding me of the moral compass that comes with the initiation of birth and life, repeatedly malfunctioning inside me. At some point I knew my actions were wrong. Not only was I accepting crumbs of emotion and time. I knew my decisions will eventually cause damage. Would the effort to pursuit love make me a terrible person? Only time will give me the answers.

The BEGINNING:

Nice Legs

Thank you. Are you flirting with me?

Maybe I am . Do you not think you have nice legs?

I never thought you'd notice. That is one feature not many call to my attention.

I thought it was important you know. (I gave him the smile, making note I wanted him. Fully aware there was a high chance he had no idea who I was).

Thanks., you.

A couple of separate group conversations later and sneaked stares. We found ourselves in the same friend group. In the midst of the interaction my friends let me know they were ready to depart. I silently went against it, but verbally agreed and stood. To my amusement. his manly hand touched my elbow and he said he could take me home. I blushed and agreed.

Everyone left and we are walking the halls and corners of the building. He ensuring lights are off and I following him. We conversed to every moment and topic. Mostly I asked questions. I wanted to know everything about him. The curiosity in me caressing his ego. He mentioned most women wanted his attention or something else from him. He'd never experienced someone asking him questions to really know him. He described that version of him as the "flawed man". The night concluded and I knew then, I wanted him. Flaws and all.

A Snippet of Years Looking for Validation

Two years into midnight meetups. We left our scent throughout many parking lots in our sad and cruel city. All these rendezvous testament to how the night brings out sexual deviance. The want masked with emotions and no depth. We would fuck in the back seat of the car and he would share his unhappiness with his current situation. Many lies were told. The biggest ones kept me in place. I was waiting for him to chose me. One of those nights while inside me, he stood still and for a moment it was no longer passion glistening through his eyes. It was tenderness and dare I say, love. He moved the hair strand covering my eye and said, "I wish I could stay here forever. I should have married you." I killed the little bit of self love I had that night. It was enough for me to give him two more years.

The END:

One revelation and plenty exposed secrets later, the end crept in.

It was a Tuesday morning. A day that will forever live in my memory. I was getting ready to head out and start my day. It had been a week, since I last seen him. He and his family were on vacation, back in town the day prior. My life was simple back then and although I had days and nights of doing me, he was always on my mind. Wasting thoughts for a boyfriend I did not have.

A text comes through: Bee, I'm back in town can we see each other this morning?

I smiled and immediately wrote back: I'll meet you in our spot in an hour.

I sat there anticipating him to walk through the doors of the cafe. Many memories were hidden there. Tables and chairs holding meaningless conversations and temporary emotions. It is 10 minutes past the time we agreed to meet when I look up and see him walk towards my table. I smile but he does not return the greeting. Immediately I knew this would not be like our many encounters. He grabs the chair and sits, looks at me and his face softens. There is nostalgia and vulnerability in his expression. It's imprisoned by the responsibilities of his past decisions.

She knows

Are you sure?

Yes, that is all we spoke about during vacation. She threatened me with divorce if it doesn't end.

Is it the end? Are you happy?

She can take everything, including my children. What will the congregation think?

Because what people think has always had importance to you, hasn't it?

You know it's not that.

Will it ever change? I pause for a moment and restructure my sentence. Are you ever going to chose being happy versus living out the expectations written for you?

I can't. It's not about me anymore. I have kids to worry about. I'm sorry I dragged you into this mess. You know I love you.

My pride and love struggled for power. I wanted to beg him to stay. I'd promise to wait for him. Show him how pure my love was. Instead my ego took center stage. I was angry, rejected and at a loss for words. Softly and without struggle I grabbed my belongings and not looking directly at him but rather the items around me, said, "don't ever call me again".

Three months have passed. Countless of unanswered calls and texts later, I sit here looking at the phone. Moments away from deciding who wins this war. My heart, who so selfishly ruined all the beauty in what a relationship can give. Or my mind, who has so eloquently created a story of what my life could be if I give up on being someones midnight muse. Oh these loves travesties bring me to my knees.