The Nightmare

Melancholy was her new companion, crafting memories that will keep her silent and unmoving... One night long before their commitment to each other, and many conversations of going their separate ways. She asked him what it would take for him to set her free. Her heart was tired of disappointments, mixed signals and his dread of commitment. His response was cold, rehearsed and untouched by feeling. “Speaking about our ending is like speaking about your death.” The heaviness in his words strike her like lightning-he'd foreseen this. Their soul binding was never meant to be lived. Any attempt would be eclipsed by the shadow of death waiting in its place.

Mei is passively falling asleep. The doctors near, monitoring the sedative drip. She slipped to their faint conversation and the loud volume of her heartbeat.

When she wakes, she is standing in the middle of an elongated dining room. Its glass ceiling to floor doors radiate from the sun rays, accentuating the modern details of the space. The table grey-wood with white leather chairs. Six on each side. In the center, a dark grey runner. On it, six glass vases. All different sizes. They collect a gold hue from the light running through them. In her hand a glass of wine. She takes a sip and checks the time. The glistening of the 4-carat diamond ring adorning her finger calls her attention. For all the thoughts she was having at that moment not one was the curiosity of who she was married to. It all seems real and familiar, but she is unable to recall much of the lived years. The sun is announcing its departure, gifting her a breathtaking view lined with big houses and the ocean. California is where she resides.

A sigh and a million emotions later, like a new guest in her own home, she walks slowly through it. The hall breaks from the entry way into other spaces decorated with pictures and art. There is a portrait in the center of the main wall, not too small or big, to where it feels dishonest. The frame is blurry at first but it slowly centers. She recognizes all the faces. Rainer is looking down at her. There is unequivocal happiness in his gaze. His eyes light in familiarity and love. She is looking back at him, lost in reciprocal admiration. Sitting on the ground playing are two boys. Their faces beautiful. It felt like an eternity the time she spent looking at the portrait. Faint conversations coming from upstairs caught her attention. Following the conversation she begins to go up the stairs with a quickness in her steps.  There are frames carefully placed on the wall, guiding the way. Each holding vacations she can remember and birthday songs she can hear from a distance. The melody carries the happiness and love of the celebration. The frames tell a story in years. The last few are aging her boys to their teens.

She’s reached upstairs and opens the first door. The space is an office. She remembers working in it. The conversations her and Rainer had. The love they made on the couch in the center of the room. How hard they’d laugh when they’d first bought the home and had dinner on the floor deciding what to make of the space. He wanted a pool table in the center. She knew it would be their personal library-office. That night they appreciated each other and how far they’d come together. The memory very vivid to her in that moment. The shelves are filled with books and artisanal decorations. It was the perfect depiction and balance of their personalities. There was a desk to the left of the room and a bright-lit window behind it. Consecutive memories begin to flood and she recalls all the hard work behind that desk. The center had a cherry leather couch with a metal center box facing it. A desk to her right held podcast setup. Mics on each side. The Macbook was carefully placed on the center of the desk. A lit ‘On Air’ sign hung from the wall. Underneath it a poster of his favorite Aristotle quote, "At his best, man is the noblest of all animals; separated from law and justice, he is the worst." She smiled and all her emotions held no captives. A tear ran down her cheek. He’d done it, she thought. Rainer had always expressed the dream of one day hosting a podcast. Many conversations they’d had throughout the years with hopes, charged with frustration and the fear of taking the risk and failing. He was a brilliant lawyer. His intellect was all consuming, Mei could hear him speak for hours. He was fragile and guarded but when he spoke all his walls came down and one could appreciate the real him. Selfishly she liked he was unaware of his charm and silent gift. Her insecurity feared another woman, prettier, smarter, or more confident will steal him. Benching her fears, she encouraged him to shine. From the beginning of their relationship, it was her responsibility to remind him he was his own limitation. If he could see what she saw in him, there was no limit to what he could achieve. Standing still in the middle of the room, the pride of his accomplishments elate her.

Mei exits the office and a couple of steps later she is inside Kylan’s room, her eldest son. There are three shelves on the white walls with books and assembled Legos. The room is meticulously organized and cleaned. It’s unfathomable that this is a 17-year old’s room. She sits on his bed and memories come to her. Kylan just turned two when he could recite the ABC’s along with a word for all the letters. His little arms around her, hugging her tight. Reinar and Mei had always agreed on having one child. They did not envision more than one. Their childhood experiences a reminder to not bring children into a cruel world. Their thought process went beyond the human need of procreating. Economical responsibilities like college, marriage, and emotional risk through sickness and loss haunted them. It was selfish of them to think that way, but trauma followed them both to their adulting years. As Kylan got older he began to ask for a sibling. It was not his questioning or request that convinced them to try. Rather, his kind heart and maturity to be such a great role model for a younger sibling that did. Just like expected when Kaymani was born, the love for his brother was sweet and tender to experience. Mei runs through every inch of the room. Every block of space holds a memory. They are vague, almost empty, but she recalls them one by one. A shadow passes by the room and she quickly stands like an intruder nervous to get caught.

Kaymani almost sprints past the room and out of sight.

Mei quickly follows Kaymani into the room. It's charged in sadness and grief. She realizes its her body, motionless on the bed ready to die. The kids are near her. Rainer is holding her hand. Different machines are attached giving her the support to stay alive long enough for them to say their goodbyes. Like any teen they are emotionless, staring at the empty space holding all the memories they lived with her. Kylan, the fragile one, is numb with an empty gaze stollen by sadness. He was like her. Gentle and caring. A trait that although admirable, worried her. Someday someone will take his intention and break his heart, scaring him forever. She feared today was that day, except she was the thief. His joy likely to evaporate with her soul once she left them for good. He is no longer present to carry the sorrow that comes with death. Kaymani was stronger. He was like his father, tough and intelligent. Superlative at every sport he tried. His dad attended all his basketball games. Rainer was proud of his boy, reminding him hard work breeds success.  He didn’t love one more than the other. He could converse with Kylan for hours in a day. Their favorite topic was philosophy, life, what could be controlled and that which should be released. 

Both stare at the fragility in the place of their dad, and their hearts grow lonely in different directions. Mei through premonition could see how this moment will change their futures. Her loves will lose their mother and she will lose the loves of her life. An inconsolable cry sets itself free and she holds on tight to Rainer's hand. Thinking doing so will keep her there longer. Expect she is not physically experiencing the moment. She is living it as energy and nothing else.

Melancholy was her new companion, crafting memories that will keep her silent and unmoving. One memory skips the line and nestles into the first spot.  

One night long before their commitment to each other, and many conversations of going their separate ways. She asked him what it would take for him to set her free. Her heart was tired of disappointments, mixed signals and his dread of commitment. His response was cold, rehearsed and untouched by feeling. “Speaking about our ending is like speaking about your death.” The heaviness in his words strike her like lightning-he'd foreseen this. Their soul binding was never meant to be lived. Any attempt would be eclipsed by the shadow of death waiting in its place.

The drip ceases and Mei is awakened by a faint call of her name. She is in a chair when she opens her eyes to the nurse observing her.

“You did great. How are you feeling?”  

         “Am I alive?” Questioned Mei. Causing the nurse to chuckle and nod a yes.

                    “I died.” Mei says. “This love kills me, regardless. I lose him and all the love between..” before she can finish, she lays her head back and falls asleep.